Honey, We’re not in Kansas Anymore: Lack of Sleep and Relationships

A brain without adequate sleep can make for a grouchy kind of day.  However, a relationship without sleep is like “Lions, and Tigers, and Bears, Oh my!” Allow me to explain…do you remember The Wizard of Oz?  And more importantly, do you remember the scene where they chant this classic movie line?  It’s an accurate portrayal of the risk to your brain and your relationships when you miss a restful night of Z’s:   

Dorothy, Tin Man, and Scarecrow are entering the ominous woods on the way to the Emerald City, nervous to say the least.  They link arms and gallop down the yellow-brick road chanting “Lions, Tigers, and Bears. . .” scanning the shadows for something that might jump.  Enter the Cowardly Lion – ROOOAAARR—super scary at first, until later we discover he’s only a big ball of nerves. 

Studies suggest that –much like trying to find your way through the woods in the dark—a night of broken sleep alters your brain so that it gets stuck on high alert.  Suddenly, you can’t distinguish between what is significant threat and what is not: every sound of a twig snapping, or leaf rustling, or minor blip in your plans, must be a lion, tiger, or bear.  Limited sleep also reduces the ability to read a partner’s emotions while increasing one’s own negative emotions. In other words, after a night of insomnia, your partner might look and sound scarier than they really are;  the slightest scowl, frown, or growl can read like an angry carnivore.

Needless to say, when one or both partners are lacking sleep, it can be a recipe for increased and unnecessary conflict!  We wake up exhausted and feel as friendly as a flying monkey.  But what can we do about it?  Here are three tips to keep a poor night’s sleep from sabotaging your good relationship vibes:    

1. Ask for support.  Let your loved one know that you didn’t sleep well and put it out there as gently as you can:  “Hey, Babe, I didn’t sleep well last night, so bear with me today.” Asking for help and accepting that it was a difficult night supports a more positive attitude in general. 

2. DON’T talk about the tough stuff.  For the most part, avoiding conflict isn’t helpful, but the rules change after a sleepless night.  Tell yourself, “I know this mountain of dirty clothes on the floor (when we just talked about cleaning up) feels like a Supreme Court case – but I’ll give it a few days.  If I still feel miffed after a good night’s sleep, I’ll mention it.” 

3. Take a criticism detour.  You can’t change that you had a rough night, but you can make it a goal to steer clear of the negative things your sleep-deprived brain are more apt to see.  Swear off any form of criticism.  Instead, choose to thank her when she brings you coffee, or when he fills your gas tank. The more appreciation you can express, especially after a night of tossing and turning, the more positive you’ll both feel!    

Getting to Know Natasha

It can be easy to get wrapped up into the daily grind, but I have always believed that therapy is the best place to start to gain insight on what is going on in a situation and ways that each of us can improve. Every person, couple and family experiences challenges from what life brings to our doorstep...what I enjoy the most about my career is that I am helping people. I am Natasha with Life Counseling. My decision into becoming a therapist started back in 2008. I was teaching middle school classes in Bloomington, MN when I noticed that a vast majority of students came into my classroom before or after school to talk about their home life or challenges that they were facing as teenagers. Also, in my own family life I was experiencing difficult times and that is when I woke up one morning and decided to move forward into a career that I knew I was meant to be doing. I wanted to help more people and made this a goal in my life. I became a mental health practitioner in 2012 and have been working towards licensure ever since.

A little more about me:  I have always thought of myself as an extrovert. I enjoy time spent with family, friends and especially my husband and two children. However, you can catch me wondering off in the distance for alone time every now and then. I need time to collect my own thoughts and enjoy the peace that nature brings.

When it comes to my style as a therapist, I have a gift of looking past the words that are being said and identifying the heart of problem. I help others gain focus through challenges and support them as they overcome obstacles. I look forward to doing the same for you.

A New Look for LIFE Counseling

"Change is inevitable, growth is optional..."   - John Maxwell

LIFE Counseling has undergone a renovation of sorts. For over 7 years we have helped thousands of people Learn to be more Intentional, Focused, and Equipped and we continue to offer excellent and effective counseling and assessments to couples, individuals, and families. In the last couple years we have added several new tools to our practice, with the main attraction being Neurofeedback. As a result, we have an updated logo, a new look to our practice, some new faces, and a renewed desire to connect socially with the community at large. As a result we have made the following three commitments:

1. We will continue to address the root of the issue, tackling the physiological, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects to a problem.
2. We will work diligently to utilize social media as a means to inform and educate.
3. We will make ourselves available for seminars, workshops, and training for schools, churches, and businesses.

We are excited about the new tools and resources we have for you as we strive to see people grow individually, have marriages strengthened, and families thrive. We invite you to join us on this journey! Like us on Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIN and be watching for new videos, blogs, articles, tools, and information about how we can help at LIFE.

Writing the Next Chapter in your Relationship Story

When my co-author, Sally, and I first decided to write books together, we imagined a trilogy. The first would be a book on friendship, the second would be a book about kids (both published by FaithWalk in 2005/6) and the final book (that never got written) was supposed to be about marriage.

Pondering the last project in the series, we bantered back and forth via phone:

“I’m not sure I have much to say about marriage. Sally, this book needs to wait until we’re old and grey and we have more wisdom on the subject.”

I’m pretty sure she was lounging in front of her fireplace during this conversation, crunching on homemade kettle corn, because she kept apologizing for munching loudly in my ear.

“Cher, collectively, we’ve been married for thirty years. That’s valuable life experience. I know we have something to say about relationships: the unexpected gifts, the wrenching disappointments, the mystery of it all!”

How ironic that in lieu of writing that book, and now 22 years into my own marriage, I’m pursuing a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. Now, I listen to other people’s relationship stories. And I love it. Most couples are focused on what’s not working when they first come in, but it’s rewarding to discover what is working, and to help people find creative ways to partner.

Thanks for the privilege of working with you for the past year, and for teaching me that:

• Conflict is inevitable, and everyone has a different way of dealing with it. Whether your style is more animated and feisty, or reserved and methodical, the question is: do you have the skills needed to effectively problem solve?
• Relationships are as unique and varied as the rows and rows of paint swatches at Home Depot. I mean, how many yellows can there be? You simply need a shared vision of how you’re going to work and play together to create the changes that you need.
• Relationships can be challenging, so why not have some fun along the way? I like to dig in and help you work on the tough stuff, but I also like to laugh. I’ve learned to balance “heavy” sessions with “lighter” sessions to encourage perspective.

Remember, it’s never too early to reach out for support! Think of it as an opportunity to write another chapter in that relationship book that is yours and yours alone. What will the title of that new chapter be?

Cheri Mueller, Marriage and Family Therapy Intern

Where is Spring?

SNOW IN APRIL?!?!? ​I just got done plowing the driveway and am greatly anticipating temperatures greater than 40 degrees!  I am in the same boat as most Minnesotans at this point of the year, wanting spring to start and the snow to vanish. As I type schools are delayed, accidents are occurring, and roads are being plowed. On the flip side kids are outside playing, snowmen are coming to life, and families are enjoying life together. 

Comparatively this much snow in the southern part of our country can be crippling, but Minnesotans are prepared. We are ready for battle. We throw on our winter jackets, mittens, and scarfs; take out our shovels and blowers, and move forward. We adapt to the elements, we invest in tools that will help us through, and we turn snow into sport (snowmobiling, ice fishing, skiing, etc.) Snow is a way of life for some; we embrace it. Others may struggle and complain each time it snows, but we all get through it! We  have hope spring will come, it always has; trees bud, flowers grow and temperatures warm. It may not arrive on our terms or as soon as we'd like but it comes. For some our hope weakens, and fear we may enter another ice age. For others we take vacations to warm locations, we look longingly at pictures of warm beaches to help us through the winter months.

Snow in April may reflect how your marriage or relationship has felt recently. You may be going through a season of life where there seems to be little change. Another hardship or argument has added greater stress or demand into your daily life. You might have recently discovered an affair. ​You may be uncertain of what will happen next, or even what your next step might be. Whatever it may be, know that there is hope! Know that spring is coming and you have tools available to help dig you out. Counseling can be much like a snow plow, we help you to make a path through the snow so you can drive on, so can see clearly again, so you can take your next step and get back on your feet. If you are frustrated with a recent argument, if you are losing hope, if you don't know what next steps to take, then maybe now is the time to consider counseling. Today is an opportunity to change your circumstances. Today is an opportunity to see clearly again. Today is a day for hope!

Spring is on its way! ​

Hello World...

No, I’m not a computer programmer. Far from it actually. But I thought a brief introduction might make any encouragement and challenges I make here, a little more personable. Therapy is after all, all about the relationship. That being said, allow me to sincerely extend both my appreciation for reading and to applaud your proactive interest in self-improvement, relationship improvement and very possibly other/spouse improvement (don’t worry I won’t tell them).

If you have already read my profile page, located here -> http://www.lifecounselingmn.com/scott_steinbarger/ then you already know the main things. I’m married to a woman I don’t deserve and am passionate about people, marriage and masculinity. Beyond that, I hope to offer encouragement, challenge and a novel perspective. A perspective that is maybe different from yours, a perspective that might help, a perspective that could possibly illuminate a way out by looking up when there were no doors all around. I just might challenge you too. I may challenge you, but only ever to build you up, only ever to rise to the occasion. To triumph, to believe in yourself. Because that can often be challenging. And I hope to offer some encouragement. Encouragement that you’re not alone, you are not crazy and there is hope. If I’m really on, I’ll encourage you with a challenging new perspective. Lastly, I should mention that I am a Christian. I mention this, because from time to time I may throw in a verse or two to help me paint the picture. There won’t be any preaching (that’s my brother’s job), but you work with what you’ve got, and that’s part of my reference point.

For today though, I’d like to share a quote I find both funny and profound.

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” — Lao Tse

Indeed.